I Will Survive

I am a seventy year old woman. Seventy! Can you believe I made it to seventy? That is a miracle in its self.

I have been ill. I have been ill for the last two years. Remember the old radios? The ones that had a dial which turned it on and off? Well, my health was like that radio for many, many healthy years – with the dial turned off. Then suddenly, almost two years ago, the switch for bad health turned on. Then, instead of having one ailment, i.e., the radio was turned on to one station, I got to listen to multiple “bad health” stations. My health moved from one condition to another. One ailment after another was identified and treated. Not fun, not fun at all. And unfortunately, my health radio is still moving from station to station.

So, what is good about this? Well, as disgusting as all this bad health is, there are some positive things that have occurred which still make me feel grateful. I am grateful for what people have done for me. My response has to do with my Pollyannaish state of mind. I have a warped compass due north. My personal compass always points to a good result. Whatever happened to me good or bad, I will survive it. No matter what, the good or the bad will eventually end and then life will go smoothly again. The crisis or the positive experience will end. Over the years I have seen this pattern repeatedly. Knowing that for my life this pattern exists has given me the mental strength to withstand both the highs and the lows of my life. Over the years I have seen this pattern hits various themes in my life: relationships, family, finances, career, and now health. Having seen this pattern before, I concentrate on the possibility of positive results, or at least, the end of negative events or changes. Just as in every other period in my life, I need to have the patience to continue during a set of events, do the best I can, use as many resources as are available to me and know that once again, I will survive.

I will use all the tools that are available to me, and be grateful for them. During this period of health issues, I constantly remind myself of how lucky I have been to basically been healthy until I hit my 60’s. What a Pollyanna! But the self-talk helps me get through what I am experiencing now.

I was diagnosed with chronic leukemia at 63. Once I received this diagnosis, there were two things I focused on. First was that a chronic disease is something that can be monitored and controlled – similar to type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure. And second, that treatments are available. A person can live many years with a chronic disease as opposed to the diagnosis of an acute disease that attacks the body viciously or a disease which comes with a limited hope of a cure.

I have known people who were diagnosed with acute leukemia. They lived for days, weeks, or months following their diagnosis. They never had a chance to reverse the diagnosis from an acute disease to a chronic disease. So, chronic is good! If I must have a disorder, then I will take a chronic disorder and thank G-d for my luck!

Years passed and I continued to live with my chronic disease. I can handle this. Then things started to change. I experienced one medical crisis after another. Ultimately, I received a diagnosis of stage 4 uterine serous cancer. I continued to cope by placing my Pollyanna self into high gear. I just kept reminding myself that through every disorder or reoccurrence of an ailment and every complication, each time I got better. So, now while I am once again lying in a hospital bed, I am relying on my positive Pollyanna self. And telling myself I that this negative experience is just temporary. I can and will survive.